PITTSBURGH — WVU students excited to commit their traditional third-degree felony arson were disappointed when the Pittsburgh Panthers took a pick six to the house with only three minutes left in the fourth quarter. Graham Short and AJ Bragg, two Mountaineer students were ready to burn a fucking IKEA to the ground if their team had won the Backyard Brawl. But after such a devastating loss, the students had no choice but to perform the ritual of reupholstering and restoring a shabby, old couch.
Ramp reporters caught up with Short and Bragg during the restoration process to ask about the game, “Donaldson Jr. is a beast, though. I think we’ve got a really strong run-game this year. If we can consistently develop the run game by halftime, we’re going to be a strong second-half team.” Short said as he carefully cut leftover fabric from the nooks and crannies of the hand-me-down couch. “Ahhhh, I wish I was lighting this shit on fire right now.” He said dolefully.
Bragg was at the sewing station, delicately cutting the fine linen that was carefully selected for the renovation, “I don’t blame JT, I swear. Interceptions happen – it’s part of the game. I thought he kept his composure throughout the game – especially a game like this.” Bragg said with a needle pursed between his lips. The Backyard Brawl is a rivalry that dates back to the 1800s; this is the first time the teams have met in over 20 years. “Fuck, I wish this couch was pile of ash instead of a soon-to-be Modern Classic addition to our reading sanctuary.”
Short and Bragg, while disappointed, were still looking forward to possibly catching an arson charge later on in the season. “I could definitely see [us] going to prison after the Oklahoma game – or even the Baylor game. For right now, I can’t even think about dousing multiple couches with a connective trail of Kingford’s Charcoal Lighter Fluid and watching them burn on High Street just like after Osama Bin Laden was assassinated.” Bragg said wistfully, “I’m too busy with this selvage.” We learned that “selvage” was the tightly woven, seam edge of the fabric to prevent fraying. "I think our defense is going to be pretty solid this year, we just need to tighten up."
The Mountaineers skillfully rage-upholstered the couch for a combined total of 80+ hours, transforming it into a surprisingly comfortable masterpiece with a subtle Modern Classic elegance. Graham Short was stretched out on the couch and reading The Art of War by Sun Tsu. He solemnly looked up from his book and out the window, “If we beat Kansas at Home next weekend, I’m going to burn this city to the goddamn ground.”
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