CHARLESTON — Many Republicans in the Mountain State are thrilled to hear that the CDC is no longer requiring masked man dates.
“Homophobia and discrimination are among some of the key pillars of the Republican Party.” Elected homophobic delegate and hot-dog-man, John Mandt Jr. told a ramp reporter.
“When the CDC told us they were requiring masked man dates, I wanted to go to the top of Spruce Knob and shout how gay I definitely wasn’t.” Mandt added.
Eric Porterfield suddenly appeared, laughing maniacally and screaming about murdering his children. His presence was quite a surprise, as he is no longer an elected official. He came out of nowhere and scared the shit out of all of us.
When we asked Republican constituents how their dates we going, we were shocked by the responses we heard. “I ain’t got a gay bone in my body, but my date was attentive and interesting, and I thought we really hit it off” local coal miner, David Patrick, told us. “Listen, I woulda never went out on a date with a man — masked or otherwise — but I’m a patriot, and I do what I have to for my country.” Blushing and giggling, Patrick added, “I’m waiting a couple of days before I text him back, because I don’t want to come off as too desperate.”
Other constituents also expressed disappointment in the CDC’s man date reversal, as they had a few more dates lined up, and were rather looking forward to them.
Comments