NORTH POLE — South Charleston Toddler, Maddie Franklin, was featured on Tucker Carlson Tonight on Christmas Eve. Franklin, who is considered to be a leader of the “Anti-Santa” Movement, was calling for all toddlers and adolescents to exercise their Second Amendment Rights against any and all “intruders” they may encounter on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning.
Santa Claus, a staunch socialist, caught wind of the danger when #KillSanta started trending on Twitter. Santa told Ramp reporters, “Any fuckin’ fool could’ve seen this shit coming. We’ve all seen the political trajectory for quite some time, but Jesus Christ, I got COVID last year for these little bastards. This is how they repay me?”
Santa said he’d be dripped in custom Kevlar designed by the elves and equipped with rubber bullets, as well as smoke and flash grenades. “They can’t fuck with me, and I’m pretty sure I’m immortal. Ho ho ho!” Santa laughed at press time just before the unveiling of the armored sleigh.
After successfully delivering all the little boys and girls their gifts, Santa met with the press again, “I only had to use two smoke grenades and one flash. Chimney, flash bang, cookies, milk, stockings, tree, chimney. I got in, and I got out. Ain’t my first rodeo. Most of the toddler militia members were strapped, but sleeping next to the tree. No one was harmed. EZ Clap.”
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