CHARLESTON — As COVID-19 cases are once again on the rise and this holiday season threatens to be even deadlier than the last, and with literally no one that we can think of at the helm to lead and protect us, an oddly familiar mall Santa whispered, “So what is it that you want for Christmas and everythang?” into an adorable, little girl’s ear.
The six-year-old, Olivia Runyon, reportedly asked for “her grandparents back” who were allegedly fully vaccinated when they passed, after contracting the disease from their granddaughter who they had to babysit on weekdays after school while her parents were at work because they were unable to find affordable childcare. “Or maybe just a vaccination mandate for non-essential luxuries.” Runyon added.
Claus said, “Uhhh, well now, Santa don’t believe in forcin’ the good people of West Virginia to do summin’ they don’t wanna do! Not in any way, shape, form, or fashion. You know what I think you’d like? A basketball! I bet you’d make a great ball player.” Runyon declined, saying, “I wish I had time to play kids’ games,” but said she “needed to focus on her studies in order to live on an inhabitable planet.”
“Olivia baby, listen…” Justice—er, Saint Nicholas said, “You might think you’re slicker’n owl shit, but you ain’t no higher than knees on a grasshopper. My name is Santa Claus. And I woulda coached Greenbrier East’s girls basketball team to the state championship if it weren’t for this damn virus! You think you’re making sacrifices?! I lost an opportunity to coach boys cause the cow-tippin’ Board of Education got too big for their daggum britches!!”
Sources familiar with the matter told Ramp reporters that the sweaty and exhausted from all the screaming mall Santa stood red-faced and looming over the kindergartner, fell to his knees, and began to weep. A big, giant, brown watermelon dressed like an elf came to Santa’s side and began to lick the tears off of his rosy cheeks.
Santa looked at the elf and the little girl who both gazed tearfully back at him, and he said, “I’ve got a better idea… How about a raffle where you can win a tricked-out gun or a fully-loaded Ford F-150?”
As the elf was taking a massive, stinking dump on the carpet, Runyon was overheard telling Santa he was “the absolute dumbest mother fucker she had ever met in her six years on this earth.”
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