NEW RIVER — Ramp reporters spoke with local hipster, Parker Brown, at Charlie’s Pub on Saturday evening. Brown loudly declared that “The Gorge just isn’t the same anymore, man.”
We watched as he drank alone, explaining that “it used to be one of the chillest places”, before he noticed thousands of strangers and their families consistently enjoying themselves over the last decade or so.
“It’s like, I just miss The Old River Gorge — before it sold out and went all corporate.” Our reporters attempted to get additional comment, but found Brown insufferably annoying.
Instead of continuing to listen to that douche go on a tirade about the further shifting of tectonic plates throwing the vibe way off and how the brewmaster at Big Timber must have under-hopped the IPA, we talked to some lovely folks from out-of-state, and they were much, much cooler than whatever that guy’s name was — Allen, I think. No…
Anyway, Squirt and Peanut reported the meaty holes they were boofing on the Lower Gauley. God, they were so cool. They allegedly shredded for miles before taking a swim at Pillow, but fortunately the video boater got some gnarkill shots in, beforehand.
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