CHARLESTON — Long revered as “basically the same thing as Mountain Dew, just cheaper,” The Wal-Mart Great Value Brand soda, Mountain Lightning, has been a staple of Appalachians and West Virginians for nigh thirty years.
Congress gathered on Tuesday afternoon to coin the nickname "The Mountain Lightning State". When session ended, fanatics from around the state gathered around the Capitol steps to show their support.
In celebration, Jim Justice supplied supporters with an assortment of Great Value Brand snacks including: Original, Wavy Original, potted meat, and a vegetable chip mix that remained unopened.
At Press Time, Governor Justice said, “Is it as good as Mountain Dew? No, not in any way, shape, form, or fashion. But as West Virginians of The Mountain Lightning State, we always have to prepare ourselves to settle for the alternative. We actually tried to go with 'The Mountain Dew State', but Coca-Cola told us to go fuck ourselves.”
The crowd erupted as Justice continued, “Our state is built upon the idea that whenever the world changes around us — and, yeah, it can be scary — we just gotta keep on keepin’ on until our people are out of work, angry, depressed, and HIV positive. And where else can you turn but to a room-temperature, flat, 2-liter bottle of Mountain Lightning?”
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