CHARLESTON — In honor of Black History Month, Mike Azinger (AKA Diet Derrick Evans) introduced an incredibly backwards and racist education bill in order to garner political points from other racists.
January 6th Insurrection participant, Azinger, told Ramp reporters, “Woke left, Biden’s radical, socialist agenda. 1984.” We stood there for several hours while he talked about how the Constitution was really only designed for European Americans.
“My father never really told me he loved me,” Azinger said unprompted. “I grew up with a distant father, who has never said he was proud of me. But I’m still trying, Dad. I'm still trying.”
Azinger was allegedly crying and sucking his thumb, saying, “I want my mommy!!” And refusing to touch his green vegetables that would make him grow to be big and strong. “No!” Azinger screamed at Ramp reporters as we made choo-choo and airplane sounds with the spoon to distract his infantile palette.
“Me no wikey Cwitical Wace Feowy!” Azinger screamed. Azinger explained that putting educators in charge of education would lead to the “libtard cucking of our children.”
At press time, Azinger went potty all by himself and the crowd was very proud of him. But no one was actually impressed, we just didn’t want to deal with a forty-something year-old man with shit in his diaper. After a few more slurs, Azinger was tuckered out after such a big day. Azinger sucked his thumb as the crowd slowly backed away. Slowly… gently… we turned out the light, and delicately closed the door. And then, “WEEEEEEEH!!!”
Jesus Christ.
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