CHARLESTON — The citizens of Charleston and surrounding areas are suddenly woke AF after a large batch of Critical Race Theory was spilled into the Kanawha River this week.
Chris Lehman, who recently burned all of his Carhartt clothing, spoke with Ramp reporters, “The current-day police force, as we know it, evolved from the ‘Slave Patrol’, which was established back in the 1700s. Their mission was to terrorize slaves and return runaways back to the slave owners. Not a lot of people realize that the very foundation of policing is deeply rooted in racism.”
A concerned mother addressed her concerns, “My son drank the water and has been shouting ‘WAKANDA FOREVER’ all night! Which, in theory, is supportive, but I’ve been encouraging him to get educated on local laws and policies being pushed that disproportionately affect black lives.”
Just days after the 2022 legislative session adjourned, many of the state’s representatives were seen at the Capitol steps protesting the very bills they recently penned and voted in favor of. Lawmakers were holding signs that said, “Let Teachers Teach”, “All Lives Can’t Matter Until Black Lives Matter”, “Respect Women”, “Trust Science”, and “Everyone Deserves a Home”.
According to a source close to the matter, emergency response has been delayed due to more pressing issues that actually affect our loved ones and community. Response teams have been reportedly organizing and setting up mutual aid resources for the tens of thousands of people who have been neglected by our public servants since records began.
Senator Joe Manchin, who only drinks $34 bottles of Splendor Water which contains traces of silver and gold, said, “I don’t know what the hell is goin’ on in my great state, but we have got to meet in the middle here.” He was gesturing towards a middle that was all the way over there.
For now, it looks like spilling the harsh reality of our country’s collective traumas into the water supply is providing residents with insight and empathy that was previously buried deep within their indoctrinated psyches. Emergency response teams say they’ll “get to it when they get to it”, but there’s much more work to be done.
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