ELKVIEW — Just weeks after voting “no” to forming a union, tragedy struck at a Tudor’s location in Elkview. Tudor’s Valentine’s Day special, Heart-shaped Biscuit, underwent an emergency quadruple bypass surgery. Biscuit was one of the employees to vote “no”.
Employees gathered in the hospital waiting room after hearing the news of the heart attack that nearly killed the flour-based baked food product. “I can’t believe we tried to unionize.” Crystal Myers said, “I feel like we betrayed Biscuit when we attempted to intermingle dignity with our workplace.”
Doctors performed surgery for over six hours. Sources close to the matter say Heart-shaped Biscuit is likely to make a full recovery, but the road ahead will be long. Biscuit, who has no health insurance, will likely live out the rest of its fluffy days paying off the life-saving surgery, and will almost certainly need to take out a second mortgage.
The Heart-shaped Biscuit was allegedly covered in homemade gravy and was served with a side of chunkies and cheese. Having no time or money to visit a doctor, many of the tell-tale signs were ignored out of the sheer inability to access affordable healthcare.
Heart-Shaped Biscuit will reportedly be returning to work sometime next week. The manager, Jan Dobkins, told Ramp reporters, “Biscuit is on the schedule for four doubles next week, and a no-call no-show, as Biscuit knows, will result in immediate resignation. So I guess we’ll see what happens.”
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