20. Searching your closet for your red, white, and blue swim trunks
Gotta go with the red, white, and blue! But where did you put those things, they were always right here.
19. Practicing your deposition
An important aspect of your upcoming court case vs. The United States of America! You’re gonna wanna kick back, relax by the pool, and make sure you get your fuckin’ story straight.
18. Buying fireworks at Big Lots
Get the Big Box from Big Lots for more bang for your buck. A family favorite.
17. Getting your affairs in order
Who’s going to keep up with the yard if you go to prison? Can’t have any guns in the house! Might have to transfer that little nest egg over to Grandma.
16. Tuning into the Annual New York City Fireworks Show
Well, maybe television isn’t the best idea right now.
15. Googling which countries don’t extradite fugitives back to the United States
Pack your bags, kids!
14. Preparing your special meatballs made with grape jelly, barbecue sauce, and love
Love is the secret ingredient ;)
13. Ordering cyanide pills
Dark web time again! What’s another Fourth of July without a backup plan?
12. Hosing down the boat
How far do you think you’d make it?
11. Preparing for cross-examination
These federal prosecutors don’t take any shit! They’re going to throw you some curveballs, so you better prepare for everything and expect anything.
10. Thinking of reasonable alternative explanations for several years worth of social media posts
Beats me!
9. Prepping the grill!!
Plan ahead! Derrick recommends scraping with a wire brush at the end of each grilling sesh. Refrain from using any toxic chemicals and just stick to warm water and Dawn.
8. Buying earplugs for the fireworks show
Safety First! Wouldn’t want any elected officials to get hurt, would we? WOULD WE?!
7. Painting yourself as an extremely dedicated and elaborate character actor
This is really the only way I could see you getting out of this one! Parody law! Maybe?? I don’t know, I’m not a fucking judge!
6. Waiting in line at Old Navy
Not much for lines? Too bad! These deals are only one day a year, and the entirety of your swag depends on it!
5. Weeping in the shower
This is a no-brainer. What with everything that’s been going on lately and all, you’re gonna wanna go ahead and get all of those emotions out while you’re wet and alone — just try not to sob too loudly.
4. Setting up the Corn Hole
It has to be out of the way, yet in a location that makes it enticing. Nothing gets the party goin’ like Corn Hole!
3. Frantically trying to get in touch with Rudy Giuliani
“Rudy, hi! Happy Fourth of July! Rudy, it’s me! … Derrick… Derrick Evans… The former delegate of West Vir-Rudy? Hello?? … Must’ve been a bad connection.”
2. Sparklers!!!
Never forget the sparklers. It helps the kids feel included, and you just might be able to sneak off for another emotional breakdown.
1. Hot dogs, hamburgers, all the fixins, and not leaving the state for any reason
Don’t skimp on the quality of the meats, look at some fresh beef from the deli-counter, maybe some bratwursts while you’re there. As for the dogs, Nathan’s Famous is our choice! Don’t forget the toppings for the burgers, the sauce for the hot dogs, and the fact that you are not allowed to board a plane.
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