1. Fishing trip to the Cabela’s fish tank
It ain’t Father’s Day unless we go up to Cabela’s. Hell, I’d ain’t Sunday unless we forget that Chick-Fil-A is closed and go up there to watch the fish. Dad’s gonna love it.
2. Pepperoni roll ratchet set
Hey Dad! We made your favorite! Pepperoni and cheese rolls, *with a little surprise inside*. Dig in!
3. Hold flashlight while he works on the Bronco
Dad’s been working on his 99 Bronco since you were born. But today, offer to hold the flash light for him while he fixes the drive shaft. I can hear Dad now, “a-no not like that...you’re doing it...just hold it...forget it just go back inside.” Happy West Virginia Father’s Day, Dad!
4. Fill his weed eater with Zul’s lemonade.
40:1 Gas:Oil mix is hard to find. I’ve checked all the stores and asked around. Someone told me to make it myself or go to Lowe’s, but I wasn’t ever any good at math and my car ain’t legal. Zul’s it is!
5. Ponderosa Oculus game
Dad, just try it on, please. I promise you don’t look weird. This is how rich kids play video games, Dad. No one’s gonna laugh. Look, I ain’t spoilin’ the surprise!
6. Sheetz gift card
Fill ‘er up, Dad. She’s on me. Might I interest you in any Snackz?
7. Dale Jr. pajama pants.
He’s already got the Dale diecast. He’s got the posters and the hats, but don’t put it past The Intimidator to raise the next best thing. You can’t find Dale Sr. sleep pants hardly anywhere these days, so we went with these... Still kinda hard to find.
8. Birth control for your sister
You don’t have to worry anymore, Dad. I ain’t sayin’ it was your problem to begin with — except that she’s your daughter. All’s I’m saying is I gotcha covered either way.
9. New sticker of Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo
This’ll look like it came factory on the Bronco.
10. Sleep apnea mask with Skoal extention
Why spit it out just cuz you're catchin' some Z’s? Look, if you knew how it worked you wouldn’t buy it for anyone.
11. That one part to finally fix the got damn mower
Don’t worry, he’ll find another part to get pissed about, throw the whole mower over the hill and then tell you to go get it.
12. Shotgun shells filled with Scraggle Pop kernels
Rack that shotgun, pull the trigger, and sling some delicious sweet Scraggle Pop kettle corn out the muzzle of that Mossberg. Don’t mix em up or you’ll be laughed at on the next squirrel hunt and doing 10 to life after the next movie night.
13. Salt lick but it’s Mister Bee Potato Chip flavored
Why in the hell should the deer be having all the fun? After all, you carried that som’bitch salt lick all the way up that hill! Give it a test lick before placing it down. Get a good taste the next time you check on it. Hell, if there’s no HOGS licking that thing a few weeks in just take it home for yourself! Those deer don’t know what they’re missing!
14. Divorce papers from that fucking Sheila
Why would you follow me to this new Church I’m trying to go to? Trying to get straight now and both our pics are beside each other in the new members directory and every knows we...I just look like a horses ass.
15. A new clutch
“Kinda got sick of acting like we were on a rollercoaster going down hills so the kids wouldn’t get scared but if the light were red at the bottom of the hill...(thank God it wasn’t ever) we would have been fucked. Thanks for the clutch.” -Your Dad
16. Mossy Oak toilet seat covers
Got a shit ton of crap like this after Gander Mtn had it’s going out of business sale. Please buy these from me. I thought they would sell better. Holy shit now I know why Gander Mtn. had so many they were trying to get rid of.
17. Father son lap dance at Southern X
You don’t have to make eye contact stop being weird.
18. That one Tyler Childers album before he became racist against white people
Not really how racism works but just give him the album to avoid the conversation you KNOW he’ll start if you mention his newer stuff.
19. An EZ pass for the side by side
They can take you anywhere so why not on the Turnpike? Are you allowed to drive them on it? We don’t know but you don’t wanna waller through your wallet for change on the turnpike in the side by side.
20. Scrapbook of fishing trips and you two hug
I was a bit scared that he’d strike me because of several situations in the past, but I swear he had tears in his eyes when he gave me a big ol’ dad hug.
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