HUNTINGTON — Owner of Stewart’s Original Hot Dogs and well-known homophobic delegate, John Mandt Jr., reportedly realized that he “looked gay” while eating hot dogs, forcing Mandt to serve bologna sandwiches at Saturday’s Hot Dog Festival. He also changed his entire business model, rebranding as Stewart's Original Bologna Sandwiches.
We asked Mandt what the deal was, and if he was insecure with his sexuality, he told Ramp reporters, “Have you ever seen Donald Trump eat a hot dog?! Hell no. It looks like… well, I realized yesterday as I was eating one, shirtless, in front of a full-length mirror — it looks like I’m performing fellatio on some sort of body-building sex-machine.”
He told us that not only was he not gay, but he was, in fact, “the straightest man on planet earth, aside from [former President Donald Trump]. I’ve never even kissed my son on the cheek. And besides, bologna is basically the same fucking thing. Admittedly though, it does get much messier with the sauce.” He was laying on his heterosexuality so incredibly thick that he said he didn’t even love his son.
Unfortunately, the Stewart’s Original Bologna Sandwiches booth only saw 3 customers (us) on Saturday, so the festival-goers had no idea that the totally straight rebranding had occurred. That being said, the sandwiches were shit, just like the hot dogs. Some of the absolute shittiest food we’ve ever tasted. We’re not sure if the hot dogs or the bologna sandwiches were worse, but who cares.
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