W.Va. — Join us in celebrating the first birthday of West Virginia’s favorite news source—US! The Ramp turns 48 in coal miner years, and we have no reason to stop because Joe Manchin voted to slash our Black Lung Disability Fund.
We reached out to our favorite people from our favorite state to force them to say “Happy Birthday” on the record.
Richard Ojeda told Ramp reporters to go fuck ourselves! Ha ha, Richie, very funny. He then called us “fake-ass Republicans” and gave us swirlies one-by-one. We love you too!
John Mandt Jr. said, “Way to go, Ramp!” And asked us if we would like to attend an orgy with him and his wife. Flattered, but no thanks!
Governor Jim Justice sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers, with a card that had illegible handwriting on it. It’s the thought that counts!
Kayla Young was too busy posting an eight-and-a-half minute long Instagram story about the Met Gala to wish us happy birthday. Womp Womp!
Joe Manchin had someone from his office that he’s never met before leave a voicemail telling us that he was joyous that the choices he has made were directly contributing to our lowered life-expectancy. Thanks, Joe!
Facebook user, David Gross, reached out to say, “This satire is not funny, at all. Better to have some humor rather than sick political activism. Keep satire more neutral and light hearted, and everyone can have a chuckle and enjoy.” How about go fuck yourself, buddy! Stick to CNN!
Instagram user, @parkersurface, said, “🥱🥱🥱running out of jokes are we?” We don’t tell jokes! We report the news! If you can’t handle it, then beat it!
We’d like to thank all of our readers for tuning in to follow the completely normal politics that make our beautiful state lose more residents than any other state. Also, watching as our great state incarcerates at one of the highest rates in the nation, as well as has some of the worst education to boot! Country Roads!!!
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