WIRT COUNTY — Local Suddenlink subscriber mourns the nation’s 2001 tragedy this week after the webpage finally fucking loads. West Virginia nearly takes the prize for Slowest Internet Speeds, getting edged out only by fucking Montana.
Darryl Perkins emerged from his dwelling this week to share the solemn news with his neighbors, expressing concern and support if America decides to go to war. His fellow neighbors were shocked when Perkins told them the news, giving them the go ahead to “hit the little ‘x’ on their Windows so they don’t hog up the bandwidth.”
Next door neighbor, Sharon Bartell, told Ramp reporters, “I don’t understand how Darryl’s computer runs so fast. He’s always the one reporting the breaking news. Just last year he was tellin’ us about how scientists just discovered something called the AIDS virus.”
We wanted to report more of a story, but the cell signal was dogshit (3G LOL!), and we n
needed to get back online to interact with our loyal followers and fans.
So here we are, folks. Capping out at an impressive 45 Mbps. We can stream Netflix *and* browse the internet for all of those juicy scoops you keep begging us for. We can usually get some work done as long as we’re not *all* trying to stream The Bachelor on separate devices (we’re all on different episodes).
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