ALL AROUND YOU — A recent study performed by The University of Austin revealed that popular durable workwear company, Carhartt, was doing just as we fuckin’ expected… PUTTING 5G IN THEIR FRICKIN’ COATS AND JACKETS.
Something was amiss when the company beloved by many Conservatives announced that they were requiring all employees to succumb to the jab, but what happened next was like something straight out of 1984! That old book about mind control or something!
Ramp reporters spoke with leftist Marxist Kamala Harris-loving Carhartt CEO, Mark Valade, who said, “Please leave me alone, people have leaked my address and are scaring my wife and children. I’m going to call the police.”
He knew we were patriots because we were decked out in riot gear and Trump hats and we could tell that his little ass was allegedly scared. Allegedly, we definitely scared him.
We waited outside of Carhartt headquarters in Dearborn, Michigan, burning our favorite winter clothes with a large group of other protesting patriots. It was really something special — to see a group of people come together through the common interest of getting irrationally pissed off at an American company that produces quality goods for a reasonable price.
We spoke with obvious neo-Nazi, Daniel Klein, who was burning several thousand dollars worth of quality American-made durable workwear and shivering in a bathrobe, “LET’S GO BRANDON!!!!“ he screamed to avoid swearing, “It’s cold out here, but it’s worth it! What do they think this is… 1984?!” And those were the four numbers arranged in that particular order that released endorphins from our baby brains.
We were just about to allegedly do something pretty stupid and illegal when we overheard that a few of the fellas were going out for some Happy Hour brewskis. Hell yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ about.
It was a dive bar with a kind of punk rock vibe, and all of us boys were just vibing. We laughed, we cried, we didn’t tip, and we talked about how much the season finale of Game of Thrones let us down and how we burned thousands of dollars worth of memorabilia. And looking back… it was the best day of our lives. :)
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