HUNTINGTON – After a stoned social media intern misheard “Popeyes” instead of “Pot eyes” (a hopeful Huntington marijuana dispensary), tri-state traffic lined up on Fifth Avenue, stretching back through Adams Avenue and onto Waverly Road, C Street, then Oak Street, and all the way back into Catlettsburg, Kentucky somewhere, all because you idiots are so baby-brained and gullible. You actually thought we were #blessed enough to get the S-tier quality Cajun cooking?
The traffic caused dozens of pileups and hundreds of casualties. This is all depressing as hell because we love that chicken from Popeyes.
Reminiscent of a simpler, more Bojanglier time, Huntington residents once again became excited for fast food fried chicken, but this time… that actual good shit. Fucking Popeyes for Christ’s sake, and we were stuffed in our Dodge Caravan about 9 miles back, ready to destroy some spicy chicken sandwiches in four months.
Survivors had already begun camping out in the Sabatino’s parking lot. We were slated to probably get there before the store closed on the first day. We interviewed a local resident stopped in traffic next to us who said, “yeah, I was there [when Bojangles opened]. It was nuts. We were hootin’ and hollerin’, but deep down… we wished it woulda been a Popeyes.” We agreed and talked shit about Bojangle’s; how it was nothing more than a cheap substitute with a silly name and dry-ass chicken biscuits.
In preparation for the grand opening, the city already approved and expedited construction of the Huntington Hyperloop which is kinda like a high-speed science-fiction train system that runs from Pullman Square to Popeyes and back and that’s it. So now what the fuck?
Huntington residents and college students lost all interest in activities, sports, school, hobbies, friendships, family, drugs and alcohol, and any other food. The administration moved all classes virtual and cancelled the remaining football and soccer games to allow for the students and community to wait in line. Basketball season will return in the 2022-2023 season.
These decisions required several city and school board approvals to pass and many government and school officials were terminated throughout the process, thus gutting the groups of the very members needed to successfully reverse the decisions.
So now we’re stuck in traffic, jobs were lost, property has been destroyed, and hundreds have gone to meet their makers, but the worst part of it all is: we’re still not getting a Popeyes.
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