HUNTINGTON — Senator Shelley Moore Capito entered and very horribly lost the Ring Girl Competition at this year’s Toughman.
Judges told Ramp reporters, “It’s not like she wasn’t looking hot as hell, it was her totally bigoted vibe, which is just not sexy.”
Capito filibustered the decision from inside the ring, saying, “Democrats stole our last election and now they’re trying to stop me from claiming my rightful crown as Toughman Ring Girl. These partisan politics are undermining everything we know and love about this great country. Furthermore, I would like to see some real proof that the non-white judge is a citizen of America. I will not accept this decision until we inspect and verify each of the judges’ birth certificates.” This white woman would not shut the fuck up for another hour or more.
Ring Girl winner, Candice McCloud, said, “She was still saying racist shit when everyone left. I don’t know why, but she started talking about how Critical Race Theory shouldn’t be taught in schools because teaching children about systemic racism somehow makes them more racist.”
Capito was said to have Venmoed judges $2,500 each in a desperate attempt to purchase the crown. All of the judges declined the payment except for the only non-white judge, Carl Manor. He said, “Look, it’s not the reparations that my people deserve but it covers me for the almost two hours I had to sit through that shit.”
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