CHARLESTON — Senator Eric Tarr (R-Putnam), seen here watching a child being waterboarded, received a 3 hour standing ovation on the Senate floor after adding an amendment to a foster care bill.
“These kids are are always crying when I come around already.” Tarr said, not blinking as a fly crawled over his eyeball. “So why not capitalize on that? It’s time we put West Virginians back to work… scaring the shit out of these kids.”
Tarr’s amendment calls for out of work coal miners and people “who think coding was just too fucking boring”, to wear different costumes to scare foster children at the “orphanages”. It took 3 hours to explain to Tarr that orphanages aren’t really a thing anymore and that the musical “Annie” was fictitious. He added that he preferred to "screen that one in reverse".
“Listen, the ellipticals at my 24-hour gyms across this great state won’t power your homes for much longer. We’re seeing a lot of people give up their New Year's resolutions.” Tarr said, “It’s time we harness the screams of the purposefully and systematically neglected children.”
Ramp reporters asked Tarr how he would manage to juggle the implementation of this proposition and his fitness. Tarr said, "What on earth does this have to do with my fitness?" To which we responded with exactly what you are imagining.
Tarr demonstrated the power of children’s screams by throwing hot coffee on a young page beside him. The screams made all the light bulbs on the floor to burst and even made all the rings close on my fitness app. Hell yeah.
Tarr and several other senators are partnering to revamp the rivalry between WVU and Marshall with the “Friends of Frightened Foster Children Bowl”.
Yes, we meant to have this article out sooner but our power and Wi-Fi went out. Not enough children were scared. Nobody wants to scare children anymore. Get off your ass, Appalachia! And go frighten those children, GODDAMNIT!
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