HUNTINGTON (Well, technically Barboursville) — Scientists made a breakthrough discovery this week by proving the existence of an Even Bigger Loafer. This news has raised many ethical concerns among the scientific community.
“We had a loafer. It was big. The Big Loafer. But this new discovery has turned everything we thought we knew about loafers and the bigness of their size and turned it on its bread—er, head.” Dr. Marie Stout of WVU’s Center for Carbohydrates told Ramp reporters.
“It’s not even certain that a loafer this big is even dippable. There’s no way of knowing, and the research is still incomplete. A loafer this large would require a vat of Au Jus or barrel of melted cheese, but again, we’re a long way from being able to prove that the loaf’s integrity can withstand gravity after the chemical compound has been altered.
Ramp reporters went to Big Loafer in the Huntington Mall located in Barboursville and asked to speak to a manager. Brendon Cline was the on-duty manager, and he looked like he had a secret. When asked if he knew of the existence of a bigger loafer, he got a crazed look in his eyes and smirked like frickin’ Paul Dano as The Riddler in the new The Batman movie (in theaters now), “Bigger? It’s already big! What’s the point!? Now get outta here and quit sniffin’ around if you can’t afford a broken nose! Go on now, GET!!”
He seemed nice enough, and we were relaxed AF due to those incredible Thrax Delta-8 Star Gummies (USE COUPON CODE: THERAMP FOR 20% OFF YOUR NEXT PURCHASE. Yes, that's a real coupon code), so we let Cline get back to work because he didn’t seem suspicious at all as he watched us with only his eyes poking out above the swinging kitchen door. Either way, it seemed like we had enough to print a story. The End?
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