HUNTINGTON – For decades, The Rough N’ Rowdy Brawl has drawn some of the best amateur fighters and diehard fight fans in West Virginia to some of the most remote areas in the country. The brutal and bloody competition puts two local badasses in the ring, allowing them to compete for the prize… That is, until Brandon took over the White House. Since then, limp-wristed-namby-pamby mama’s boy snowflakes have taken over our country. In response, Barstool Sports announced that they have renamed The Rough N’ Rowdy Brawl to “The Timid and Calm Gathering”.
Instead of two boxers beating the living shit out of each other for a $1000 cash prize, dozens of contestants are meeting up at the Mountain Health Center in Huntington, WV in order to see who can rack up the most COVID-19 booster shots. There will also be feminist protests over body autonomy or some shit.
Barstool Sports tells Ramp reporters that Antifa, however, will not be allowed to attend. “This event is setting itself up to be one of the brunchiest, boss-bitch, girl power, white knight cuckold extravaganzas of the year!” Dave Portnoy said, looking like a very average, normal guy – someone that you might have gone to high school with – someone that you weren’t close to or anything, but he was fine, just kind of a surface-level normie with normie interests – you’re pretty surprised to see how well he’s doing for himself, even though it’s not really your thing.
Other festivities this evening will consist of volunteering, Bingo, wearing masks, silly little indie card games, crowdfunding health care for systemically ignored and marginally underserved members of society, and karaoke. Paint and Sip will also have an activity area. The Ramp will continue to monitor the event and will report back as soon as we get our hands on a couple diaries.
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