CHARLESTON — What a better way to kick off the summer than to support a washed-up actor who hasn’t been in anything watchable for the last twenty years and also dresses like a buffoon! C’mon down to Rock City Cake Company and choose your side by biting into a freshly baked pile of hyper-realistic human shit!
Rock City Cake Company’s newly released Human Excrement Line of freshly baked pastries and cakes hit the shelves yesterday and made its rounds on social media. Some people were pointing out that, no matter the outcome of the case, many survivors of domestic abuse have been triggered by the vivid descriptions of abuse in the trial that was televised everyday for three and a half years. We were more confused than anything — about why Rock City is serving people food that looks like real feces.
Johnny Depp recently won a defamation case against Amber Heard, and the internet has been choosing sides since Day One of 1,277. Depp’s ingenious strategy of publicly airing his dirty laundry instead of sitting in Timeout for 1.5 years — because cancel culture does not exist — proved to be a success! Boy, that guy sure can drink!
Depp fell off hard after his 2007 depiction of Sweeney Todd, and if we wanted to watch some next-level weirdo acting, we’d put something on with Helena Bonham Carter. Heard has never been in a film that any of us have seen, but she’s probably a fine actor.
So no matter whose side you’re on, remember to c’mon down to Rock City Cake Company and get yourself a big ol’ shit sandwich. It’s probably just chocolate, but there’s no better way to consume chocolate than when it looks exactly like a toilet turd.
We reached out to Rock City Cake Company and they told us, "If there's anything we love as much as baking shit into desserts, it's pop culture! We're obsessed with the stuff. Y'know, Hollywood, baby! The Big Apple! All that. Movies, televisions, celebrities... They're like our only friends, in a way. They don't cancel on you when you repeatedly try to make plans for brunch. You can just fire up Disney+ and watch hours and hours of Jack Sparrow being a sassy little bitch! We're literally obsessed. What are you guys doing this weekend?" We had plans.
The poop pastries are another example of a large recent uptick in Charleston businesses not minding their own fucking business or considering the consequences of their actions. In a city ravaged by homelessness, HIV, and opioid addiction, at least we can go see Disney’s Pirates of The Caribbean 6!
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