HELL — Former Senator and super efficient and effective member of the Ku Klux Klan, Robert C. Byrd, was recently banished from The Shadow Realm. The Dark Lord himself was forced to ask Byrd to leave this week after harshing everyone’s vibe. The reason? Byrd was too racist.
“He just wasn’t fitting in, what else can I say?” Satan told Ramp reporters. “We are fairly lax with the rules around here, but his constant racist microaggressions were really getting under what’s left of everybody’s skin.”
Many occupants of the Netherworld echoed similar (eternal) sentiments. David Bowie said, “Look, we’ve all done some pretty fucked up shit, I know. Byrd was slinging slurs left and right when he first arrived.” Jeffrey Epstein chimed in, saying, “We were able to get him to stop using outright slurs, but it was the oblivious microaggressions, I think, that ultimately forced Satan’s hand. Byrd would tell Gandhi stuff like, ‘Yeah, I bet you did well in school.’ And it’s just like, yeah, bro, we all know Gandhi is super smart, but you just know it was coming from a place of prejudice. ‘You speak pretty good English.’ You know, all sorts of shit like that.”
We spoke with the guy who invented the really shitty window blinds that often break in your new apartment, who said, “He’d do accents and think it was funny, but literally no one was laughing. He’d say that he didn’t see color and used his relationship with Michael [Jackson] to always point out that he had a ‘black friend’. I’m glad he’s gone — it’s been much more chill and way less awkward.”
The formerly living Senator with several buildings named after him was exiled to Purgatory on Tuesday. Lucifer told our reporters, “I’ve never had to do this before, but it was cringe as hell and really offensive. I think Purgatory is the best place for him to contemplate his actions. There’s absolutely nothing to do there. With Senator Byrd gone, my torture game has been on point, and I’ve been getting a ton of positive feedback from the residents.”
We reached out to Byrd for comment, but his response infinitely reverberated off of the vast nothingness, becoming all possible pitches at once and abso-fucking-lutely destroying our ear drums.
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