CHARLES TOWN — “Yeah, I dropped a couple racks at Chick-Fil-A. Since when is that a fuckin’ crime?” West Virginia Congressman, Alex Mooney-R, responded to recent allegations of campaign finance violations. Ramp reporters questioned him as he was dripped from head to fucking toe. Dude was looking clean.
A group of five women dressed as Ancient Egyptian thots surrounded him, hand-feeding him Chick-Fil-A nuggets and fanning him with big leaves. It was like a weird Megan Thee Stallion video that was making a political statement, but more white and dystopian. He motioned for one of his servants to clean the sweet and sour sauce off of his hippopotamus skin boots and slurred through a diamond grill, “look, my money is my money, and when people start sticking their nose where it don’t belong, I get pretty pissed off and they will live just long enough to regret it.” Kinda scary — sounded like literal murder.
Mooney, receiving The Ramp’s Fittest Fit Award for the season, sported a custom made Dolce & Gabbana, designed personally by Domenico Dolce. The slim fit pants were tight, but looked to breathe comfortably, while the jacket was worn casually and unbuttoned — tying the ensemble together was the 50/50 satin-silk shirt that playfully paid tribute to 11th century Italian architecture.
Mooney sipped a 2006 Château Ausone from a ruby and diamond-studded grail. “The allegations are false. Fake news, I say! Any other retorts or accusations I shall be needing to put to rest!?” Our staff began slowly backing toward the door as he screamed, “You! Clean that up! And you! Fetch me my burner phone, I need to call the Cayman Islands!” We were relieved that he wasn’t yelling at us.
The Republican Congressman was cutting up lines of something on an antique mirror — we think it may have been drugs. “While she retrieves my business phone, is anyone in need of a liver? Any other organs? If so, now would be the time to ask — my dude don’t pick up his phone unless I call between 1400 and 1500 hours. I’m on that sketchy shit. Hey, can you guys front me 12k? I can turn it into fifty.”
We were slowly closing the door behind us as he called out, “BITCOIN!!”
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