After riding an absolute life-altering 48 hour high, Ramp reporters are impatiently anticipating the next natural disaster to strike The Mountain State.
Still pumped up about the metric fuck-load of likes and shares and retweets and follows, our reporters have been refreshing weather.com every seven minutes or so.
The well-deserved praise received from the general public has affirmed what we’ve always believed about ourselves: we’re the best journalists around and we cannot be stopped.
Although Ramp reporters were unable to profit monetarily off of this tragedy, the wheels have been set into motion in order to profit off of the next act of God. We’re talkin’ merch, baby! Stickers, shirts, maybe some mugs or some koozies or some shit?!
Our editor-in-chief, Dusty Peters, floated around the idea of absolutely clogging up the site with ads. And he wasn’t merely suggesting enabling those weird ads that all news sites have — he was suggesting that we overwhelm the site with way too many ads, affecting its overall usability which would then lead to accidental clicks from unsuspecting grandmas on Android phones. Cha-Ching!
And that, my friends, is why he drives a Tesla and makes $350,000 a year. It is only just now that I’m realizing that none of the staff writers have yet to take a salary while sleeping at the office and subsisting on only canned beans and ramen noodles. Anyway, I’m sure he has his reasons!
So get your credit cards ready because God has been increasingly cruel lately and we’ve exhausted all of the recipes in Paula Jean’s cookbook. Fingers crossed!
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