GRANT TOWN — Senator Joe Manchin is furious today after a large group of protesters formed a blockade around the only thing he’s ever cared about on an emotional and spiritual level: money. Manchin was allegedly furious during the single five-minute phone call he had with his assistant who he instructed to “just handle it”.
Manchin was allegedly expecting a “fat check to drop” when he realized activists had plopped down on Deutsche Bank’s routing system, inhibiting the funneling of dark money into his hidden, overseas bank account. 16 protesters have been arrested and are being charged with 2 counts of Actually Fucking Doing Something and 1 count of Skipping Brunch.
Although there were reportedly hundreds of protesters present at the blockade, most of the constituents to the left of Manchin in West Virginia were busy taking advantage of Black Sheep Burritos and Brews' dank-ass gentrified Indian and Mexican brunch offerings. Unfortunately, they had literally no interest going all the way out there and doing.... what? Standing around? And for how long? How is Verizon out there? Who all's gonna be there?
Ramp reporters reached Manchin, only a Democrat by name, while he was in the middle of a tantrum, “I want my money!!!! It’s the only thing I care about on this green earth. Green!!! Oh nooooo, that reminds me of my money.” Manchin started making gurgling noises and speaking in what sounded like an indecipherable ancient language, forgotten by time and history.
“Korlok Trikpalla. Juuschmall cromballa ziikstalama unfruukthall. Et diischmakkala brukliiki truczsk Deutsche Bank broofiti miik malla, gropiidome klau.” Manchin said, which we assume loosely translates to, “I don’t have proper control of my bowels, this is the fourth time I‘ve shat myself in the Deutsche Bank Customer Care Center.”
After channeling the energy from The Old Gods, Manchin to Ramp reporters, “We’ve seen what *happens* to *people* when they dissent from my desires. They vanish… never to be seen or heard from again. Their memories and any evidence of their existence wiped from the collective consciousness of this realm. And when the rejectionists get in the way of me and my fucking money, it displeases The Old Gods.”
Manchin, who became a multi-millionaire by abusing his position of power in order to loosen regulations that would directly contribute to increasing his wealth through pillaging the earth of its natural resources while advancing the destruction of the atmosphere which has been scientifically proven to accelerate an uninhabitable planet for all of humanity while simultaneously denying jobs to working class people while being supported by his daughter’s exploitation of other working class people who require life-saving medication, which almost definitely directly leads to very cute children dying, told Ramp reporters, “Welp, it was good talkin’ to y’all. See ya!”
Meanwhile, at Black Bear Burritos, democrats were following along and retweeting earnestly. The blockade of Manchin’s bank account is planned to last as long as it lasts. The Ramp will continue to follow this story as it develops. Follow updates of The Coal Baron Blockade here.
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