CHARLESTON — Jim Justice held a press conference to inspire out of work coal miners on Monday. Despite the fact that fracking only requires like, two people or something, West Virginia coal miners still believe that the loss of jobs have something to do with politics and not technology.
Justice said to the crowd, “Learn to code! That’s what my secretary does when she prints off my Sudokus. Those things just dill my pickle. You could Uber, maybe? Drive an Uber car? Uhh… I order HubGrub a lot. Bob Evans.” Justice advised the unemployed workers to “maybe find a hobby or somethin’”.
The Governor then started just listing off things he thought the coal miners might enjoy. “I got a grandson who plays Minecraft, and boy, he loves it! It’s literally all he fuckin’ does. He don’t play sports, he ain’t athletic, can’t ride a bike, doesn’t go outside… but boy! That Minecraft! Y'all might like that one and everythang.” You could visibly see that the Governor was getting pissed off thinking about his nerdy-ass grandkid.
“I go huntin’ with Babydog. Fishin’, uhh, let’s see here… Oh! Coachin’ girls’ basketball teams! Or shoot, you could even just relax and lounge around your multiple multi-million dollar mansions. I got a niece who sells her hair on Etsy.” Justice said, as if it wasn’t a perverted fetish that his niece was taking advantage of.
Ramp reporters interviewed former coal miner, Ben Walker, who said, “There’s actually kind of a lot of hair on Etsy. I had no idea. Look at this shit, this is crazy.” We verified that it was pretty fuckin’ crazy — he just kept scrolling and scrolling. Seriously.
JUSTICE IS IN THE POCKET OF BIG HAIR!!! WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!1!!