By: Scab Picket
Today marks the 100th anniversary of the beginning of The Battle of Blair Mountain.
As the state reflects on the battle between striking miners and a brave, honorable, and patriotic, privately funded army, I once again am reminded that all of the bloodshed could have been avoided… by throwing a pizza party.
When workers start to demand more, you give them more! More cheese-filled crust! And maybe one topping… Maybe.
It’s estimated that more than 10,000 striking miners marched toward the southwestern coalfields in an attempt to “free” workers from “martial law”.
10,000 miners equals 5,000 pieces of pizza. Yes, the slices would be halved. Families share and the mining companies were a family.
No plates either.
The mining companies were a green family too, no plastic plates, no waste, a cleaner Earth. That’s where the phrase “clean coal” originated.
The marching miners would be too busy passing around that one Papa John’s Garlic Dipping Sauce… they would have forgotten why they were marching in the first place and just went back to work. Ooo! A pepperoncini too?
Perhaps the more stubborn ones would have returned to work had the company installed a Ms. Pac-Man in the break room?
We’ve learned a lot since the largest labor uprising in the history of the United States.
Employees no longer risk cutting themselves peeing into tin cans while working, now they can use softer, safer plastic bottles all from the comfort of their own work stations.
Employees can now air their grievances in a closed off box far away from anyone that can help… and you have to do it on your scheduled break, and you also have to have appropriate access because not everyone is allowed back there.
No matter which way you slice it, we’ve come a long way since Blair Mountain.
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