CHARLESTON — West Virginia’s largest coal company, Massey Energy, has announced that their mountaintop removal mining operation of Mountain Stage will take place in August.
Massey CEO and President, Baxter Phillips, proudly announced on Wednesday, “lots of jobs will be created in this process. Not permanent jobs, of course, because that’s not really how this process works. We just want to get into that Mountain Stage and yank all those natural resources and local talent outta there as quickly as possible.”
Some residents and supporters expressed concern, as Mountain Stage has been one of the biggest outlets for music and art in West Virginia for the last four decades. Local resident, Harvey Perdue, expressed concerns about the talent that will be lost in the operation: “We’ve got some good shows lined up, but unfortunately, Massey has decided to pillage the stage of the likes of Steve Earle, Amythyst Kiah, and Amy Helm, just to name a few.”
Phillips responded to concerns, “It’s too bad, it really is. But I’m not really in the business of saving lives, and I’m definitely not in the business of preserving and broadening healthy cultural appreciation of a state who desperately needs the opportunity to grow and learn to better themselves as human beings by expanding their minds in order to dissipate the stereotypes that have been ingrained into the regional zeitgeist by hundreds of years of the purposeful underfunding of education by money-hungry politicians and the bourgeoisie in order to indoctrinate the lower and middle-classes to be at constant war with one another. I’m in the money makin’ business, baby!”
Ramp reporters couldn’t find the lie as Phillips continued, “Mountaintop removal gets a bad rap but we’re simply going to absolutely slaughter-fuck Mountain Stage, extracting from it all of its natural resources and talent, and then once we’re done, we’re gonna build it right back to the way it kind of – not really – was! Without all of the resources and talent and all that hippy shit, of course.”
In closing, Phillips recited some lines from There Will be Blood by pointing and screaming and spitting all over the crowd, “I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! AND YOURS TOO! AND YOURS! I DRINK IT UP!” This went on for quite a bit longer than it should have, before some guy who didn’t even work there just kind of directed him off the stage as he was laughing deliriously and screaming, “I’M FINISHED!”
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