WASHINGTON D.C. — Senator Joe Manchin had a bipartisan sex romp on his houseboat on Saturday to commemorate not doing shit for people who will be get kicked out of their homes at the end of the Eviction Moratorium.
Senators were dressed to the nines and it looked like a way less sexy (and more eerie and geriatric) version of Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut. Joe and the rest of his colleagues were already intensely aroused from the idea of millions of Americans becoming imminently homeless, so a sex party on a boat was the most sensible way to celebrate.
Lindsay Graham (R-SC) was giving so much sloppy toppy that the members of the Illuminati sexy cult bequeathed upon him the nickname “Senator Slurpie”. According to sources close to the matter, there were crushed up lines of a 60/40 Viagra/Cialis mix, a keg of Michelob Ultra, and a $450,000 charcuterie spread.
Soon after Manchin’s revelation, he received a call from Senator Slurpie letting him know that he had tested positive for COVID-19. This was concerning for those in attendance because of how heavily mouths were involved in the ordeal. Senator Slurpie had slobbered on nearly every sailor on the ship.
As the sun was setting over our Nation’s Capital and the party was dwindling, Joe Manchin was frustratingly unable to climax; but just as he felt the impotence take hold, he thought about how he could have easily and single-handedly prevented 1,500 West Virginians from being jobless and yet he did absolutely nothing (aside from take donations from Pfizer). Just then… a smile. Sure, it might not be how Joe expected to start his vacation, but in that moment, he felt alive.
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