CHARLES TOWN — Lizzo peered down the sight of John Brown’s custom 1856 Sharps rifle. Bullseye. Lizzo lubed up another round and greased the barrel, taking aim once again. Ting! “I told y’all I was 100% that bitch, but you didn’t know I was also 100% this bitch.”
Conservative corners of the internet have been in shambles — kicking and screaming on the floor, crying — after Lizzo, a classically-trained flautist, played James Madison’s Baroque-era flute made from the crystallized tears of actual slaves. Many slave-owner apologists were saying, “Hey, wait a minute. I don’t think it’s right for someone to touch something that’s really old that I didn’t know existed until just now.”
Lizzo has now shocked the same 4Chan-loving, conservative circles, by showing off her unknown skill in gunslinging. Lizzo put the “woman” in “marksmanship”, getting a bullseye from 750 yards out. “I think I woulda made my man, John Brown, proud. He was woke as hell… Called upon by God to quit pussyfootin’ around and get shit done.”
Ben Shapiro tweeted, “First the flute, now John Brown’s rifle? When will beautiful black women stop desecrating the white man’s history?” It accrued 29.2 thousand likes from other racists. The tweet also received an additional 32.9 thousand likes from bots whose sole purpose is meant to sew the racial and political division of America.
Lizzo reportedly didn’t “give two flying fucks” about what Shapiro or any other "racist-ass twitter users with weak Twitter handles like '@John2034830'" had to say. Soon after the interview, it was revealed that Lizzo’s markswomanship had earned her a sponsorship from Bass Pro Shops. Jesus Christ… Here we go again.
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