PRICHARD — West Virginia recently announced they will be giving away guns as an incentive for state residents to get the COVID-19 vaccination. We interviewed one resident of the state who is looking forward to the gun raffle.
“Based on everything I was seeing on YouTube, I really wasn’t planning on getting the vaccine. Sure, I’ll probably have to dig the microchip out with a spoon, but I’ve always wanted a gun”, former Delegate, Derrick Evans, told Ramp reporters, as Alex Jones was fucking screaming in the background. “Have you guys seen Joker?” He very predictably asked.
“I’m a big fan of alternative news, I don’t like to be spoon fed biased garbage. I know what the New World Order has planned with those 5G towers, and all about how Jeff Bezos and Billary Clinton are using vaccines to control our minds.” This guy would not shut up.
Further implicating himself in the Capitol insurrection, the man who live-streamed himself committing a felony said, “I was literally inside of the Capitol to defend our democracy on January 6, but that’s off the record, right?” We lied to him as he continued to show us his collection of dumb shit he stole from several members of Congress’s offices — just, like, office supplies, basically. “Will you guys call me ‘Joker’?” Jesus Christ.
“Derrick Evans has entered the gun raffle!” he screamed. “You know what Derrick Evans gets when he gets vaccinated? He gets what he fucking deserves.” That’s about the time we realized we had everything we needed for the article.
As we were leaving his grandma’s house, we contacted local authorities and told them — while very unlikely — if this man actually won the West Virginia COVID-19 Vaccine Gun Lottery, he would indeed be a threat to himself and others.
Comments