WASHINGTON D.C. — Senator Joe Manchin (WV-D) revealed that he’ll support an abortion bill “over your dead body”, insinuating that he’d rather you die than have autonomy over your body.
Manchin, whose livelihood apparently depends on embryos advancing into foster care, told Ramp reporters, “I just don’t think it’s right to let women decide. So I went ahead and decided for them.” The Women’s Health Protection Act failed 51-49, after he was the sole democrat to vote with every other republican. Republicans are drawing a hard line here, as it's literally the only thing that will keep their base engaged until same-sex marriage is overturned later this year.
Manchin’s recent campaign ad featured the senator using a shotgun to blow a hole through a piece of paper with “Equality” written on it. He told Ramp reporters, “Kids these days are so entitled. Equality? Women’s Rights!? The next thing you know, these people will start asking for a livable wage and affordable housing and climate action and healthcare and for us to feed their damn, malnourished kids! I tell ya, you give ‘em an inch and they’ll ask you to please stop systematically killing them.”
Ramp reporters followed Manchin in his Maserati and met up with him on his yacht that he paid for in cash, and we blew the fattest fucking lines of coke you’ve ever seen. “That’s what I’m sayin’!” He screamed as he snorted the most amount of money through a nostril that we’ve ever seen. “XXXTENTACION was the goat. Do y’all fuck with Playboi Carti? You know he fucked heavy with Lil B?”
We partied with Manchin on the “Almost Heaven” yacht until the sun came up. He started to cry. “I just don’t know if I can live in a world inhabited by woke women who deem themselves permitted to accessing healthcare. This fuckin’ world is turning to shit. Why won’t these bitches just let me profit off of my legislative power in peace? I just wanna make money off of fossil fuel without any of these pussy-ass rules or regulations. I just want the maximum amount of sperm to turn into overworked coal miners as possible until I have ransacked every last drop of coal from these beautiful West Virginia mountains... This used to be a great country. And psst... I love, support, and will vote for Donald Trump in 2024, by the way. We talk all the time.”
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