WASHINGTON D.C. — Desperate and poor protestors on kayaks paid America’s Sweetheart, Senator Joe Manchin, a visit yesterday while he was attempting to have a nice, relaxing afternoon. Manchin ensured protesters, despite reality and evidence indicating the contrary, “we’re all on the same page.”
Joe Machin had just put his feet up on his $12,000 custom ottoman, made from the hides of a collection of animals displaced by mountaintop removal projects, when he heard a commotion outside. Just as it was shaping up to be a perfect day of watching beheading videos on Liveleak, complete with the calming backdrop of the cries of hopeless and dejected citizens, he realized he had forgotten his last serving of Siberian caviar on the deck.
Manchin said to Ramp reporters, "'Oh no!' I thought. 'My Siberian caviar!' And that’s when I had to make one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever had to make in my political career. Do I sit back and watch my stories? With the added audible anguish of American taxpayers? Or do I go out and retrieve my caviar?
I would then have to look at the scum—maybe even have to interact with the trash—which I’m used to. On one hand, the sounds of their pathetic pleading in the background was poetry, but on the other hand, that caviar wouldn’t last much more than an hour out there in the sun. It’s like a Petri dish. So I admit, I let my exquisitely refined palette make the decision for me."
Machin went out on the deck of his yacht that was fully funded by pharmaceutical and fossil fuel industries. It looked like NASCAR if it was sponsored by billionaire-pedophile-lizard-people.
The Senator then spewed a bunch of centrist bullshit for half an hour. No one could argue with him because he wasn’t really saying anything of substance. A true king.
Manchin's extreme position of power comes at a time when Democrats control the Senate which gave the American people a false sense of hope. Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ) have found themselves in a sweet spot of political power because of their willingness to take undocumented, dark money and complete lack of morals.
Ramp reporters were told that Manchin's day was nearly ruined. The caviar was beyond salvaging, and he had to speak face-to-face with poor people. But, he said, “I was able to watch some of my favorite, classic beheading and bombing videos at the end of the day. No matter how screwed up my day might be, I can always find solace in my stories.”
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