WASHINGTON, D.C. – Joe Manchin recently purchased an extremely tiny and extremely expensive, $40,000 Stradivarius violin so he could play a sad song on the world’s smallest violin, just for you, the American people.
After Manchin single-handedly gutted the infrastructure bill of any meaningful legislation that would positively impact the lives of average people, the West Virginia senator told reporters that he, “really wanted to make a statement that just screamed, ‘fuck you’ to working class Americans.”
“Oh, boo-hoo! I can’t afford child care!” Manchin mocked impoverished moms. He was making super loud and obnoxious baby crying sounds. “Weh-Weh-Weeeeeeh, my paid leave! C’mon, people! Paid. Leave? You’ve got to be kidding me! We can’t even pay people to work, let alone LEAVE.”
Manchin had that smug-ass look on his face that he always does when he’s talking about preventing progress, as he began playing the lead violin melody from Tchaikovsky’s Violin Concerto. Despite its size, the sound was robust and full, and Ramp reporters did indeed weep as he played; beautifully haunting and full of despair.
“Heh! I’m tellin’ ya, this thing plays well, and I intend on playing it well into the collapse of our society. Well, I’ve got to go practice my Bach. There are some tricky lines in this piece I’m working on, especially with how close together these strings are. Anyway, I am the Dark Lord. I have come to annihilate the masses. The destruction of mankind is my purpose, and the prophecy... Shall. Be. Fulfilled,” Machin said, maybe in reference to our exponentially deteriorating climate and his role in thwarting government policies to reflect that reality.
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