In response to Do It For Babydog, Senator Joe Manchin looks to win over constituents with his new "pet". Meet X̵̬̯͖̂̆́̋ȇ̶̻̘̭̈́̽͜ḻ̵͉͐̏̽ę̴͙̪͓̇͘͝x̶͈̝̯̃̅̊͘n̸̫̫̩͐̓̔̄x̶̟̣̱̹͊ą̸̼̊͐̅́r̵̰͌.
The dog-like creature’s name hasn’t been confirmed, however, "X̵̬̯͖̂̆́̋ȇ̶̻̘̭̈́̽͜ḻ̵͉͐̏̽ę̴͙̪͓̇͘͝x̶͈̝̯̃̅̊͘n̸̫̫̩͐̓̔̄x̶̟̣̱̹͊ą̸̼̊͐̅́r̵̰͌" is what The Ramp’s D.C. correspondent had carved all over his body shortly after petting the creature.
“He don’t bite none,” Manchin chuckled as he patted what is assumed to be the being’s head. “I kinda got used to the ancient runes that got burned onto my corneas, that little rascal.”
Sen. Manchin says he was inspired by the success of Governor Jim Justice’s pet Babydog. “I want to unite the people of our great state the same way Governor Justice has.” He referred to the recently coined phrase, “Do it for Babydog” which is used to motivate West Virginians to get vaccinated.
Sen. Manchin shared a vision of his own for his pet, “Do it for [indiscernible],” a levitating Sen. Manchin screeched. “Do it for [indiscernible] or bathe in unquenchable flames.”
Manchin said X̵̬̯͖̂̆́̋ȇ̶̻̘̭̈́̽͜ḻ̵͉͐̏̽ę̴͙̪͓̇͘͝x̶͈̝̯̃̅̊͘n̸̫̫̩͐̓̔̄x̶̟̣̱̹͊ą̸̼̊͐̅́r̵̰͌ went with him to visit Capitol Hill on Monday. Three lawmakers were taken to the hospital after the companion started shrieking during the session’s opening prayer.
Sen. Manchin said alleged copper thieves found his otherworldly pooch at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft near Fayetteville.
His “little buddy” was surrounded by intact skeletons in a bowing position. The two alleged thieves said they heard chanting throughout the cave and thought the abomination would make “one hell of a scarecrow in our marijuana fields.”
The two men went missing 3 weeks ago.
“I can’t believe all those people were chanting in different parts of that mine and nobody went to help the poor thing! Luckily I adopted him. He was the only dog in the shelter not clawing at the walls to get out! What a good boy!”
Sen. Manchin asks that anyone who might cross paths with his “dog” to make sure they do not have personal items associated with any positive emotions on their person. “Like pictures of your children or your childhood blanket for instance. He gets real tore up when you have that around him.”
We’re not fucking kidding he actually said that shit.
We immediately left after that, and although not Catholic, felt compelled to confess our sins to a priest.
God help us.
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