CHARLESTON — Ramp reporters interviewed Senator Joe Manchin after he allegedly filibusted all in his jeans after casting a “nay” vote in opposition of some shit that would objectively improve politics and the lives of people who are still breathing.
“I just don’t understand why everyone feels the need to politicize politics,” Manchin said, making zero sense. “When I read the bill designed to expand voting rights, change campaign finance laws to reduce the influence of money in politics, limit partisan gerrymandering, and create new ethics rules for federal officeholders, I just thought, oh hell no. That sounds like some partisan BS. That’s where daddy makes his cheddar. I’m finna get paid!”
Manchin, whose daughter attempts to murder children with severe allergies for personal financial gain, often takes an ass-load of money from his daughter’s pharmaceutical company, coal companies, and other businesses whose sole purpose is to upgrade yachts for people who were born millionaires.
At press time, Manchin told reporters, “Boy, do I love the death rattle of democracy in the morning. Great, now I need to go change my pants again.”
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