CHARLESTON — Having not seen currency in denominations under a dollar in over forty years, Governor Jim Justice recently discovered that coins are still a thing.
“I thought these were just part of the pavement.” Justice bewilderingly sifted through the coins on his desk that an unpaid intern brought back to him after doing a coffee run.
“What are these thangs? These are cool! Listen at this… They make noise! These those thangs you use for machines at Billy Bob’s?” Governor Justice had a huge smile on his face, shaking the coins around in his hands and dancing around in his chair like he was in a Latin roots band.
"There was a shortage? Well I’ll be, I bet these things are worth some money."
His assistant informed him that, not only are they worth some money, but in fact, that’s literally what coins are, and began helping Big Jim count his change.
“Wait, this one is worth 5? But it’s bigger than the one that’s worth 10? For cryin' out loud, that don’t make no sense. See, I just thought these were trash. Y’know my last assistant never brought me back any of these little guys. I bet she owes me damn near 400 millions dollars!” Justice remarked, having absolutely no concept of money or math.
“Well, ain’t this just nuttier than a squirrel turd.” Governor Justice’s glee had turned into a very distressed and disoriented look. “Jesus Lord, what do I do with all these? There’s about five, six, what, seven?! This is gonna get heavy fast.”
Governor Justice politely, yet worriedly, hurried us out of his office and pleaded with his secretary to “fetch [him] one of those big money sacks with a dollar sign on the side.”
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