Governor Jim Justice joined the likes of Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson this week, becoming another billionaire who recreationally travels to space to abso-fucking-lutely flex on poor people. Justice rode on Camden Park’s very own Big Dipper, which has been undergoing maintenance since the 1930s.
Justice says he threw the launch together after seeing Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos visit space in his own rocket. “Pretty brilliant idea…I don’t think you have to pay taxes in space right?” Said Governor Justice via zoom call.
Engineers modified a coaster cart for space flight by slapping a 6.2 Hellcat Hemi in that sumbitch. The Dipper was then blasted off down the coaster’s hill, and into the atmosphere. This was the first ever space launch fueled completely by bituminous coal.
“It’s great to see coal being used to send rich people to space… I just wish I would get that severance check soon,” said former coal miner, Bill Thomas.
Governor Justice demonstrated zero gravity by opening a bag of Mister Bee potato chips and letting them float around the cabin.
“Ya know seeing Earth from this perspective really makes you wanna protect it.” Justice said. “We need to protect this earth and move all our mining efforts to the moon. Maybe the miners we taught to code can make that happen?”
When asked about how he planned to return to Earth Governor Justice’s face went blood red, he shouted an expletive, and abruptly ended our zoom call.
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