CHARLESTON — During a COVID-19 press conference on Wednesday, Governor Jim Justice outlined his execution strategy for the Delta Variant of COVID-19 that will ultimately kill off a bunch of Facebook users, innocent children, and your vaccinated grandparents.
“I see it… comin’ in the distance… I’m aimin’… but the safety’s off — well, no, actually there is no safety because I’m holding a Springfield Model 1861 musket — with which I actually have to pour powder into a measure of a predetermined amount. Then, I pour the powder into the barrel and load in the lead ball. Now, I’m imaginin’ myself pouring in a finer grade of powder into the pan, and with the frizzen closed, I’m now ready to blow this damn Delta variant’s head off,” Justice said, describing how to load his $300,000 antique firearm.
“And then, BOOM! It’s done, blasted to over yonder. And that’s just what we just gotta do. I’m madder than a wet hen right now that I gotta keep doin’ these damn press conferences.” This man is a patriot — A Governor Soldier (which we are going to try to make a movie about).
Justice closed with, “Welp! I’ve gotsta go piss and shit and puke all over the Capitol’s women’s room. It’s so much cleaner in there and I can’t explode out of every orifice of my body in just any ol’ place. Hell, Joe Manchin probably sharted all over the walls in the men’s room!”
It's about damn time somebody done it.