CHARLESTON – Reading a list of over a hundred names of West Virginians lost to COVID-19, Governor Jim Justice’s head began to get visibly heavy, and he took a brief power nap somewhere in the S’s, before heroically waking up, wiping the slobber from his mouth, and finishing the list of largely preventable deaths.
“Hell, it’s the least I could do,” Justice said truthfully. “I come in here each week and the dang list just keeps gettin’ longer. A real long list of West Virginians who deserved the freedom of choice. I ain’t forcin’ nobody to make a choice based on peer-reviewed studies and scientifically-proven facts… It’s un-American in every way, shape, form, and fashion. This ain’t Nazi Germany.”
Governor Coach Jim was hard at work, designing offensive plays for a high school girls’ basketball team, when he said, “look, I wish it was that simple. I wish I had some sort of political power to prevent all these deaths. I wish, oh how I wish, I could just snap my fingers or sign a piece of paper that would require people by law to get vaccinated or wear a mask or suffer the minor inconveniences of consuming non-essential goods and services. But alas, I cannot.” He was being extra AF and putting on one hell of a show.
Despite bringing us 2021’s #girlboss ICON, the “Do It For Babydog” vaccination campaign miserably failed in convincing West Virginians to get the jab for an incredibly slim chance of winning dope trucks and guns.
“I can’t win for losin’. You know what they say, 'If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.' And in this scenario, I’m momma and I’m sad. What I was really hoping I could do is: nothing. I was hoping this whole dumb thang would just go away. I keep waitin’, but it don’t seem like it’s gettin’ better. Momma’s real sad, folks.”
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