HUNTINGTON – Marshall University decided to resume in-person classes on Monday evening despite skyrocketing cases of COVID-19 and an apocalyptic amount of rain.
Nerdy students waded to class so as not to miss the super important shit they needed to learn in order to graduate and become a contributing member of society. “My car is basically done. [It was] fully submerged, and I had to bust my windshield out because the power windows malfunctioned, but I gotta go because I’m going to be late for my PSY 101 class.” Local commuting nerd, April Davis, told Ramp reporters.
Despite a deadly virus and numerous other signs of The End Times, many nerdy idiots got out their kayaks and paddled their dumb, studious asses to class. Professors reported that they are “getting paid either way”.
Marshall University President, Jerry Gilbert, said “Education is our primary objective. Rain, shine, or literal sign from God, these students have to be here in order to learn. They’re paying me a sizable salary to make these kids smart. So yeah, if they have to take a jet ski to class or a canoe, that will pay off in dividends when they go out into the workforce and make a starting salary of something like four... hundred? thousand dollars a year? Something like that for a BA in Marketing, right?”
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