LOST CREEK — A tractor-trailer crash on I-79 North sent hundreds of cases of West Virginia Water flying into the median. The cause of the accident is unknown, but Ramp Reporters caught up with half-man half-moth, Marty McGuy, who was an eyewitness on the scene.
“I didn’t see a damn thing” said McGuy, an already debatable “eyewitness”. “I had just picked up a couple packs of smokes and was flying— err, walking back to the house… on the interstate… like I always do.” This guy was fuckin’ weird as shit, but he was literally the only person who would talk to us. “Did you just call me weird? What the hell, man?” We did not mean to say that out loud.
“Anyway, I’m mindin’ my own business, my kratom is just kickin’ in, and I’m nowhere near the explosion I heard from very far away that I in no way caused. I was like, ‘Damn!” and the next thing I know, dozens of people have pulled over and are gettin’ after a bunch of scattered loosies— just Doin’ The Dew. It wasn’t the unleaded shit either, it was that high-octane original Dew that you humans love so dearly.” Despite not ever having a car in his life, McGuy ended the interview promptly, excusing himself for a DoorDash pepperoni roll delivery.
We are currently drinking Mountain Dew in the median of I-79, having the time of our lives. Nothin’ better than a Dew with the Dudes. Hell yeah. It seemed like mere minutes ago we were talking to that halfling and he kiiiinda looked familiar… but after this many Dews, we were about as mixed up as a fart in a fan factory.
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