HUNTINGTON — Are you some sort of freak? Do you like being the center of attention? Are you able to stand for eight or more hours a day while being chastised about how you look or dress? Are you willing to enter an indentured servitude agreement in exchange for measly slops and poor living conditions? Well, we’ve got an opportunity for you! All of your embarrassing flaws can be put on full display as Huntington Zoo’s new Brand Ambassador position.
Huntington Zoo is the perfect place to take your family who lives Out Wayne to look at the spectacle that is the Native Pink-Haired Polyamorous Bisexual, one of the first exhibits you see when you enter the zoo. From there, folks can take their Ritter Park Dads to see the Poor Person exhibit, sponsored by Paula Jean Swearengin – your dad will be fascinated at how little they have in a 401k. Take your friends to see QAnon Guy. He’s still into it for some reason!
The zoo will cater to all walks of life across the political spectrum. The Unemployed College Graduate exhibit has recently been the most popular. Some people are speculating that she double-majored in Gender Studies and Black Lives Matter. While others are assuming that, despite some loan relief, she is still drowning in debt. Either way, watch her as she is forced to permanently live in a cage because her full-time job can no longer afford her adequate housing.
Many residents are questioning why this endeavor is costing $20-$30 million, when you can do the same thing at Camden Park for a bag of nickels. Ramp reporters spoke with Camden Park manager, Kim Davis, who told us, “Is that what they’re doing over there? We can do that. Hell, I’ll start right now… Chrissy!! You and Kyle go on down there and splash around in the swimmin’ hole!”
After the commotion at Camden Park hit the airwaves, the funding for Huntington Zoo was completely pulled. A GoFundMe page will be started in the coming weeks.
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