HUNTINGTON — In honor of the tragic loss of Marshall’s 1970 football team, alumni and students are flying their Herd-Ons at half-mast. Anyone attending the memorial is being asked to please not scream boner jokes, for the love of God.
Marshall has had many ups and downs during its rich and tragic history. Rebuilding after such a devastating event took the aid and support of the entire community. Against all odds, they became a powerhouse in I-AA football a few decades later, producing several NFL superstars including Randy Moss.
Nothing says you’ve learned and grown from your trials and tribulations quite like a dick joke. But out of respect for the families and history, the community will tamper their excitement on the fifty-first anniversary of the crash.
From our tragic beginnings… what rose from those ashes… was a shitty penis pun. A shitty penis pun for all fans to drunkenly shout at one another. A penis pun that makes children ask, “Daddy, what’s a Herd-On? And why is that man screaming it at me?” To which you’ll respond, “I’ll tell you when you’re older.” And then they’ll scream, “You always say that! You always tell me you’ll tell me when I’m older!” And then you’ll say, “C’mon sweetie, let’s go.” And then they ask, “Do I have a Herd-On, Daddy?” And then you have to say, “No Harper, you do not.” Then you have to distract them with some food that isn’t Stewart’s Original Hot Dogs.
Once a year, our community is brought back together, and we remind ourselves why we have Herd-Ons in the first place. And why it’s pretty fucking juvenile and inappropriate, given that we have such a traumatic past, to reference our fandom by yelling about our boners.
This is cringe. Real people died. Why do you insist on constantly giving Stewarts free advertising?