WHEELING — Local hero, Marissa Williams, is being celebrated this week after lifting a full-ass car off of her Save-A-Lot Coupons. Ramp reporters interviewed the heroine and witnesses.
Local shopper, David Franklin, said, “It was incredible. I saw that the coupons were trapped, but I just froze up. That’s when that lady came running up out of nowhere, she got in a proper squat position and just heaved the 88 Ford Fiesta into the air. That’s when I snapped out of it, and dove onto the ground to retrieve the coupons.
Marissa Williams, the “Coupon-Clipping Beast Mode Baddie”, said, “Detergent, toothpaste, cereal, assorted toiletries, diapers — all for free. They would have had to pay me, actually. The way it works is you stack the clipped coupons with the online coupons, people don’t realize they’re stackable. When I saw that elderly woman roll onto my 3-ring binder in her piece of shit Fiesta, I almost had to rip out her brain stem. But thankfully, an unexplainable burst of adrenaline kicked in, and I was able to safely salvage my exquisitely organized Save-A-Lot stash... That bitch is lucky, I literally would have murdered her.” She doubled and tripled down on her lust for blood.
We had no idea that the coupons were stackable, and would have totally understood if Williams was forced to make that geriatric fuck disappear. Save-A-Lot employees were forced to open up another register, as Williams tied up a register, cashier, and manager for well over 45 minutes. She gave us a tube of Aim toothpaste and a 4-pack of Angel Soft.
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