CHARLESTON — Big Coach Governor Jim Justice was trapped in an elevator in the governor’s mansion yesterday, and no, this is not a bit. It’s difficult to imagine a more comedic character being trapped in an elevator—panicking, sweating, peeing, and throwing up.
Sources close to the matter said they heard Justice screaming, “HELLO??! ANYBODY OUT THERE? I’m scareder than a canary in one of my own coal mines! Oh Sweet Baby… dog.”
He would calm down for a few minutes at a time before remembering that he was stuck in an elevator for an indeterminate amount of time and when you’re alone—I mean really alone–sitting with yourself and your thoughts and your regrets, forced to revisit every shady dealing you’ve dealt, anguished with shame and cowardice of the man you’ve become, wondering what your grandfather would say if he were alive today, coming to the realization that you’re an utter disappointment to your god, country, and family.
He started screaming again, “I DON’T WANNA DIE! Please god, oh please, let me hold that big little brown watermelon who makes everyone happy and loves everybody again! BABYDOG HELP ME!! Why hath thou forsaken thee in every way, shape, form, and fashion!”
When you sit like that, one-on-one with your own depraved and fucked up psyche, it can break a man. You can no longer live the life that you once lived. Crooked and criminal.
A fucking high school basketball team? Jesus. What have I become? Shouldn’t I be focused on keeping my vow to serve and protect the people of this great state? Pathetic. When I get out of here, I’m going to be a different man. A man who gives, a man who cares.
When the maintenance crew finally opened the elevator doors, Big Jim snapped out of it, told them, “y’all were supposed to be fixin’ that, now get the hell outta my face. I’m gonna get busy watchin’ some Thursday Night Football with Babydog and letting the people of West Virginia continue to flounder around like a thirsty fish on the dock tryin’ to survive a deadly virus.”
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