LEWISBURG — Billionaire coal mogul with blood on his hands and high school girls basketball coach, Governor Jim Justice, received a positive COVID-19 diagnosis yesterday and said, “Well, hell yeah! I passed! That was easier’n a rooster roostin’.”
Justice’s medical staff informed him that “positive”, in the case of testing for the presence of a disease, is not typically the desired result. Justice sat in dumbfounded silence for a few minutes before he said, “So do I have to retake the test?” After nearly two and a half hours of explaining to him, “Positive… Bad… Negative… Good…” and drawing several pictures, Justice began to silently weep at his desk.
“Awh dadgummit, ain’t this just the worst? It is, ain’t it? This is not good, am I correct in saying that this is not good?” Justice said, seemingly baiting reaffirmations of his semi-understanding. “I did just about all I could do. Trucks… Guns… what else was I supposed to do?”
Justice, who is fully vaccinated and boosted, is currently at his Lewisburg home (that he continues to unlawfully reside in) watching reruns of The Price is Right. He is experiencing moderate symptoms and we wish him a speedy recovery so that someone may be held accountable for the crimes of water pollution committed by his coal companies.
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