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Writer's pictureThe Ramp News

Gov. Jim Justice Funds Russian Army

CHARLESTON – Governor Jim Justice, who currently still owes several million dollars in fines for damaging quaint streams in West Virginia by dumping some regular ol’ coal sludge all willy nilly up in that shit, is actively funding the Russian army through a royalty deal he struck with oligarchs in 2015. Justice sold his coal company to Russian conglomerate, Mechel, for $436 million in 2009 and then bought it back for $5 million just 6 years later, which is giving off a v money laundering-ish vibe. Included in the deal was royalty payments of $3 per ton of all coal mined that lands directly in the bank accounts of members of the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation. Most of that is actually true, just Google it.



Speaking of Google, Google’s definition for “conflict of interest” is:

a situation in which a person is in a position to derive personal benefit from actions or decisions made in their official capacity.


Ramp reporters spoke with Gov. Justice this week who said, “What kinna horse crap do you think you’re spewin’? You act like you ain’t got no home trainin’. Runnin’ around the farm with corn but ain’t got any chickens to feed. You got a wide open layup, but just got called for travelin’. Yeah, sure, I bought my company back for literally 1.15% of what I initially sold it for. What of it? Cain’t a guy just make some dishonest money? Why y’all always gotta bother me when I’m just tryin’ to draw up some high school boys and girls basketball plays?”



The leader of our state who definitely personally and financially benefits from his gubernatorial status which allows him to cater laws and legislation to his whim and enables him to redirect funds into protecting a dying industry that no longer creates sustainable careers, but instead funnels money into the pockets of the richest people of one of the poorest states in country told Ramp reporters, “Well, shucks... Have you seen my obese dog though?”


As West Virginia clings to the past and our legislators continue to push a right-wing agenda that is scientifically detrimental to the health, safety, education, and economy of our state, Jim Justice is very busy avoiding phone calls from the Environmental Protection Agency and the Department of Justice who have been begging him to pay the $6 million he agreed to pay for fucking up a bunch of land and water and shit.


Justice is also swamped with deciding whether or not to primarily run a man-to-man defense, a 1-2-2, or a 2-3 in the 2022-2023 high school girls basketball season. Each of which have their pros and cons, but ultimately, he is looking forward to tryouts in the fall. Justice is reportedly looking for a scrappy freshman point guard who can handle the perimeter on defense, while using big bodies to defend the paint. Justice says, “I think we’ve got a few options from last year’s junior varsity squad who are looking promising, but I’ve admittedly not done enough middle school scouting to tell you what we’re going to see in tryouts. I put my entire heart, soul, mind, and body into this team, and it is very emotionally taxing. I literally don’t have time to think about anything else other than basketball and Babydog.” When asked about being governor of West Virginia, Justice said, “Oh yeah, well that too.”




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