CHARLESTON — In a nearly unsatirizable turn of events, Appalachian Power Park has been renamed GoMart Park. Park manager, Paul Gillespie, announced the first phase of renovations will be installing blue fluorescent lighting in the Charleston Dirty Birds’ dugout.
In a press conference, Gillespie said, “This ball club will never use performance enhancing drugs.” Ramp reporters told Gillespie that blue lights would not deter desperate ball players from enhancing performance, but it would only make enhancing performance more dangerous. Mayor Amy Goodwin interrupted to add, “I hate homeless people.”
Gillespie said, “Sure, the blue lights will only encourage ball players to enhance performance in back alleys and on the streets, but I simply won’t have it in my dugout.”
The Charleston Dirty Birds are getting used to the blueish hue in the dugout. Despite constantly tripping over each others’ cleats and being unable to identify the severity of bruises, they’re getting along fine.
Multiple players are continuing to use PEDs in the dugout. Veteran pitcher, Joe Testa, told Ramp reporters, “What’s a little deep vein thrombosis when you’re hittin’ dingers?”
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