W.Va. — It’s been a busy week for the richest man on Earth and Saturday Night Live star, Elon Musk, who purchased Twitter for $44 billion. But in a much less publicized deal, Musk also purchased your favorite Appalachian news organization, The Ramp News.
Musk and The Ramp’s board of directors — which is just one guy who tells us what to do — struck a deal at forty-four whole dollars. This is way more money than we’ve ever made and a lot more than we thought it was worth. It’s payday, baby!
Musk promises to make no staff changes and to continue championing the Pulitzer Prize winning ideals which placed our publication on his radar. Musk stated that as long as we don’t attempt to unionize, then “this shit should be dope AF. Hashtag four-twenty.” And then he showed us a bunch of deep-fried memes from eight years ago.
Musk told Ramp reporters, “Off the record, I’m on a mission to control the narrative. I’m buying up as many news publications as possible – starting with this piece of shit. Why are you writing this down? This is off the record. You dumbass. What are you writing? Anyway, I need to buy a bunch of newspapers in order to sway public opinion of me so that leftwing libtwats quit talking about my taxes. Don’t print that.”
Musk, friend of Ghislaine Maxwell, said he has big plans for The Ramp’s future, including changing its name to “The Rump” maybe, which is a joke about a butt, I guess? He also said that he would easily be able to avoid paying taxes in the state of West Virginia by simply “calling a guy”, so that would be pretty sick. He reiterated that all of this was off the record and discussed using our publication to launder money which also sounds pretty cool. Musk said he could increase our output by making us work longer shifts -- what a visionary.
Musk is known for his genius, outside the box thinking. It was put on full display when he suggesting that instead of building our publication from the ground up, we dig a tunnel underground. Wow. I'm not even sure I get it, but just... Brilliant. He also suggested that our headlines should be way longer, akin to the stylings of The Babylon Bee. Musk said, "They really know how to troll the left with their really long headlines that don't even attempt to mimic actual news headlines." He was laughing while scrolling on his phone. "See? It doesn't even closely resemble a news headline. It's just a long sarcastic statement with zero nuance that pushes right-wing ideologies."
There you have it, folks! Musk has chose The Ramp staff as a beta testing group for Neuralink, and we have officially all been chipped! It’s great! Some of us are having problems remembering our names and moving our fingers, and the rest of us are unable to stand without vomiting, but the chip will allow us to unlock our Teslas that we’re saving up for. Stay tuned for more hard-hitting journalism from Elon Musk’s The Ramp! Look at how many jobs he’s created, and the amount of taxes he pays is fair, actually. If you mention an Apartheid emerald mine on Twitter, we will ask you for a source.
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